Both sides Win

One of the hallmarks of a good negotiator or a good diplomat is that both parties leave the table feeling that they have gotten something. True, they may have had to compromise and give, but in the end, a true victory must have been earned by both parties.

In the case of asymmetric relationships, such as orgasm control or chastity, both parties have to GAIN something in order for the arrangement to be successful. However, what they gain does not have to be equal, or even what they initially expect. There are certain things that could be of benefit for the man, while some could be more beneficial for the woman. This is my take on this.

What is in this for a man?

I have defined the common core of Chastity Play in the following way:

The male wants to earn an orgasm and is willing to do as much as he can to please his woman to earn it. The woman wants the male to strive for his orgasm and want to delay it as much as possible to enjoy the benefits.

Why would a man be willing, sometimes eager, to get into an arrangement that seems to limit his pleasure and enjoyment? What are the benefits that he can obtain from this? It surely would defeat the purpose of playing the game if it didn’t provide joy, so what it is?

The man could potentially get various rewards:

·         More sex (depending on your definition of sex)
·         More Intimacy
·         More connection
·         The knowledge that he is pleasing his woman
·         Increased pleasure due to sexual energy
·         The satisfaction of working hard for a goal
·         Orgasms, when offered, are stronger

What is in it for a woman?

Like mentioned above, the job of the woman is to take control of the male’s orgasms, delay them as much as possible to enjoy the benefits. 

What are these benefits?

Chastity Play is an asymmetric game, meaning that the two players are not equal. The female gets more benefits than the male, basically because she gets to set all the extra rules of the game. In addition to this, one could list several benefits:

·         The service of a man (who should be doing as she wants)

·         More freedom to enjoy sex

·         More intimacy

·         A more pleasing man, who tries to make her life easier

·         The knowledge that her man is striving to please her

·         All the benefits that her partner’s service can bring

·         A more peaceful relationship

·         The knowledge that she has the power to make her man happy

·         More self confidence

When all factors in these benefits and weighs them against the investment of time and effort the female has to make in providing the various gifts that only she can provide, one can see how this can be a good thing. 

I am planning on talking about all these points separately on later posts, but feedback is always appreciated. 

Orgasm Control is a Game

I believe that one of the first things that one has to understand if one is to be successful in achieving a chastity relationship is that orgasm control is a game. But, you may say, I have very strong feelings about it, and it feels so serious and so important to my life that there is no way it can be a game. 

Don't get me wrong, I know first hand about the impact that orgasm control can have in the life of those who practice it, but it is still a game.

BUT WHAT IS A GAME?

By definition, a game is an activity that is not necessary but is engaged on for recreation or amusement and usually have rules. You may not think that your chastity is recreational or that you actually need to practice it (which may be true), but in the end, you must admit that no one, and I mean no one can really control your orgasms unless you volunteer that control away. There is always a way to gain release if you really want it, and no way your partner could control you if you chose not to cooperate. The reason you cooperate is up to you, but you choose, one way or another to submit to a set of rules for your ultimate enjoyment. Hopefully, if we are honest about the reason(s) we play this game, it will end up working for her enjoyment and benefit as well. 

I think that much of the fear and reluctance men experience when facing the prospect of introducing their desire to be controlled in this way to their significant others is caused by taking the game too seriously. If you look at it as a game you like to play, as opposed to the all-too-serious and potentially threatening 'lifestyle change,' wouldn’t it be much easier to ask someone to play with you?

WHAT ABOUT 24-7?

Sure, you may want to play the game 24-7, but let’s be realistic here, the probability of entering that type of relationship in real life are remote, to say the least, and live mostly on the realm of fantasy.

Treating orgasm denial as a game will not only make it easier for the male to invite the female to play, but also should make it easier for the female to accept the invitation, knowing that she is not being asked to change who she is, or to start down an irreversible, life-altering path.

Like in any other game of self-discovery, the players may choose to make life changes, or more likely than not, discover the changes already happening within themselves, but this is always under their control and choice.

THE RULES WE PLAY BY

The other part of the definition of a game is the use of rules. The rules of Chastity Play are simple. He plays for the chance to earn an orgasm, and works hard to convince her to give it to him. She plays to deny his orgasm for as long as possible, and choosing when and how to grant it. as in most games, it is not the ultimate goal that matters, but how you get there. Both players get to enjoy the game, regardless of whether they win or lose in the traditional sense of the words, and some may say that losing may be more enjoyable than winning because it keeps the challenge alive. 

OUR FIRST PUBLISHED GAME: MARBLES

In the spirit of sharing ideas as to how this exquisite game can be played, I have published the rules for a game called MARBLES which is a game I have played with Victoria a couple times and hope to begin again soon. You can find it by clicking on the tab above near the top of this blog, or by clicking HERE.

PLAY HARD, PLAY OFTEN

Now, I want to finish with one clarification: Just because I insist that orgasm denial is a game, does not mean that I underestimate it, or consider it easy, childish or meaningless. This game has brought great insight and self-awareness to us as a couple, and I have enjoyed the hard work that I have had to put down to be able to play it. If it was an easy game, there would barely be excitement on a 'win' or satisfaction at the effort and desire for a rematch on a 'lose' against a worthy opponent.

On this season of giving, my wish is that we can all play and enjoy the games of our choice. And Orgasm Control is the game I choose.

Victoria's Gift to Me.

From the first post:

The woman accepts and acknowledges the man’s service, taking control of the man’s orgasms, providing the man with opportunities to serve her, expecting to be served properly and providing stimulation or reminders as she considers appropriate to manage his desire. These three things are the woman’s gifts to the man.

On today's post I want to go over the following parts of the above statement:

• provide the man with opportunities to serve her
• providing stimulation
• providing reminders

These are some of the gifts that the woman can give her man. The main purpose of these gifts is to manage the man's desire, which as discussed before is key in making the game a satisfying experience for him. 

GIFTS OF SERVICE

This may sound counter intuitive, but I already expressed my opinion on it on the previous post. For the man in chastity, serving his woman is the best opportunity he has to gain favor in her eyes and perhaps get closer to experiencing sexual release. The opportunity to serve her, is a chance to make her happy, which is a deeply ingrained desire in men. When the woman provides this opportunity to the man, she should see it and treat it as a gift she is giving him and should expect or perhaps even demand that the gift be received with gratitude and enthusiasm. If it is not, perhaps one of the other gifts may be in order. 

One of the problems women may have with orgasm control is that they feel guilty for asking their men to serve them. This is caused by looking at service from the wrong perspective. When seen as a gift and an opportunity for him to improve his status, the woman can relax and enjoy the service without guilt. 

USAGE:

Since these gifts are the main avenue for the man to serve the woman, the woman should be liberal in their use. Offer gifts of service every single day, whether or not there are other gifts accompanying it. Gifts of service can be further subdivided into personal service and chores, like mentioned in the last post. Personal service includes things that are done specifically to or for the woman, chores are acts of service that are not directly related to the woman. 

GIFTS TO STIMULATE

The man in chastity is being controlled by his desire. When this desire is high, both the man and the woman get to enjoy the benefits. The man, because of his altered pleasurable state, and the woman, because the man does anything to please her. The goal here for the woman is to maintain the man's desire as elevated as possible for as long as possible. To do this, the woman can use any means at her disposal to excite the man sexually without allowing an orgasm to take place. This is called teasing, and can take many forms. It is also called tease and denial, because the ultimate goal of orgasm is not achieved. 

USAGE:

These gifts are used to increase or maintain the man’s level of sexual desire. These gifts can be used at any time to enhance the man’s desire to work hard to attain release. This could range from something small that brings the man an erection, to bringing him to the edge of orgasm before stopping. This type of gift can be used to “convince” the man to serve and to maintain his motivation.

GIFTS TO REMIND

One category of gift that sometimes is not really understood is the gift of the reminder. These are usually simple gifts (but can be as elaborate as you want) that do not really benefit the woman (like gifts of service), or give direct pleasure to the man (like gifts of stimulation) but are designed to remind the man of his position in the game and of his need to follow the woman’s lead.

USAGE:

These gifts range from things he has to wear (or not), things he has to do (or not), and even things he has to let you do to him. The things that serve this purpose the best are things that he would not normally do, but that are only done because she asks. Accompanying these gifts with words that reinforce the male’s sense of belonging, enhances the effect.

These three types of gifts can be used alone or in combination as determined by the woman to keep the game in a proper balance. I only described the gifts in general terms, but at a later time, if this blog continues, I plan to cover each category individually with examples of the things we have done and others that can be done, as well as ideas to develop your own gifts.

I didn't cover today the following gifts, but they are important as well and deserve their own post:

The Gift of Acknowledgment

The Gift of Control

The Gift of Orgasm

I am also formatting the rules for the first orgasm control game and I will post it soon.

See you soon.

What I can Give to Victoria

When playing Chastity Games, both partners offer something to each other. I said on my first post that the man does the following:

1. Accept that the woman has final say as to if, when and how he gets to enjoy an orgasm. and
2. To work hard and submit to anything she chooses to impose upon him to gain her favor.

It is very simple. In the realm of fantasy there are hundreds of things that men want to 'give' women, but as I will present in a later post, many of these 'gifts' are no such thing. In Fantasyland, many men, (myself included, sure) wish to 'give' to their partners in ways that are actually meant to turn them on sexually or otherwise benefit themselves. While I don't have anything against many of the activities portrayed as gifts, and actually I want them too, I propose that we need to call things for what they are. While they might be considered 'gifts' I subscribe to the idea that they are not our gift to the woman, but the woman gifts to us.  

Today, I want to touch briefly on what a man can truly give his partner, (if she would accept it). On the next post, I will touch on what the woman gives the man. It  will be brief and general, as we will likely get into this subject in more depth at a later time. 

Here is what the man brings to the table:

Complete Fidelity

When I surrender control of my own orgasms, that deepest and most powerful of my life pleasures to Victoria, I am making a declaration of devotion to her, a clear statement that says that I want to belong to her and to her alone, that I don't want anything, or anyone to be above her in my heart or in my mind, not even myself. I am going to be completely faithful and devoted to her in actions, thoughts and desires. 

While I have never cheated on Victoria in the sense that I have not have any kind of sexual encounter with anyone else since we got married (or anything even close to it), I have indeed cheated her of my devotion and my dedication. I have been selfish and arrogant in my ways and have sought my own pleasure too many times to count. This was different while we were playing with orgasm control. I felt no desire of looking after my own needs, and was very keen to keep her in her place of honor both in deed and thought. I will post soon the first of our orgasm denial games, which we called 'Beads' but now I call 'Marbles'.  

When I say complete fidelity I mean it. I want to derive no sexual pleasure, of any kind, from any experience that is not initiated by, or under the direction of my lovely wife.

Service

I want to serve her. I want to be less of a burden to her and instead help to make her life easier. I want to provide her with meaningful service, which to me means doing what she wants me to do (and not what I want her to make ME do, which would be her gift to me). I want to serve her with a good attitude, in any way she desires of me.

I divide service in two categories. General Service, and Personal Service.

General Service

Also known as 'chores', general service is when you are doing things that are not directly done to her or for her, but instead you do them in her place. These are things that perhaps you should do, but are too lazy to do, or maybe the things she dislike doing. When you are doing general service, you are not doing 'her chores' in the sense that she is the woman and is supposed to do them, but you are taking a portion of the housework and doing it so she doesn't have to spend her time doing it. This makes sense outside of orgasm denial, because the more your partner has to do chores, the less energy she will have to share herself with you, but within orgasm denial it gains even more significance, because the denied man will have an extra dose of energy to look for ways in which to make her life easier. 

Personal Service

This one refers to things that you do to her directly, and they are a little trickier to define, because when you are denied, some could be considered her gift to you (more on the next post), but things like foot rubs, massages, preparing her breakfast, cleaning up after her, providing her with sexual pleasure (again, whose gift is this to whom?) and everything else that you do to or for her falls in this category.

Respect 

Needless to say, a chaste man must respect his wife and treat her with all the honor and dignity that she deserves. This includes respecting her wishes, and accepting her decision as to the matter of his own orgasms, but perhaps more importantly, it includes respecting her decision as to the gifts that she decides to confer to him in humility and gratitude.

Like I've said several times already, on the next post I will write about what Victoria can give me, but for now, I would love to hear from you. What do you think the chaste man can really offer his significant other that is not really a gift to himself?

The One Rule

On the previous post I described The One Rule thus:

The male wants to earn an orgasm and is willing to do as much as he can to please his woman to earn it. The woman wants the male to strive for his orgasm and wants to delay it as much as possible to enjoy the benefits.

Before I go on rambling about the subject, I think I would like to shed a bit more light into it. There will be time and space for more on later posts, but since I decided to dare say that there is only one rule to all this, I guess I wanted to put a little of detail at what the rule means for me. To do so, I’m splitting The One Rule into its four sections. This post will be a little long, but I don't expect that this will be so for every post.

1) The male wants to earn an orgasm

The power of an orgasm cannot be overstated. It is a powerful motivator to action, a valuable prize, something men chase constantly.  Being hunters by nature, nothing pleases men more that catching their prey, but hunters don't pride themselves in catching a sickly, slow and easy prey (although they will still catch it in times of hunger). Men want to catch the dangerous one, the elusive one, and have been known to obsess over "the one that got away". Truth be told, no prey will make the hunter feel more invigorated and powerful than a hard to catch one. 

I have found this metaphor useful in explaining my feelings before, and I'm sure I'll use it again in the future, but for now, let me just state the logical conclusion: The harder it is for the man to get an orgasm, the more value it will have for him. And the reverse is also true. 

2) [The male] is willing to do as much as he can to please his woman to earn it

Deep inside, even though we may not express it in so many words, I think we men know that women hold the keys to our sex lives and that by pleasing them, we are increasing our chances of enjoying more fruitful sex lives. It is just common sense, in a way, because if the missus is happy, everybody is happy, but if she's tired, cranky and overwhelmed by her own problems, there will be little left of her to give to us. Call it enlightened self-interest if you will. There is nothing strange or weird about it. Just the way things are.

Most women don't realize the immense power that they have over men, although they may have some fleeting encounters with it, especially at the beginning of a relationship. I believe all women have the capacity to learn how to use this power. 

Remember those famous women of history? The ones that had wars started because of them, that drove the leaders of nations to madness, or to glory? I think they are not as special as historians would have us believe. They just understood and knew how to use their power over men. Men, in general will go to surprisingly great lengths for the sake of pleasing a woman.

3) The Woman wants the male to strive for his orgasms

Again, it may not be something that is articulated in these words, but women feel gratified when men court them, and I mean courting them properly, whistling at them from a construction site does not count. They feel good when a man, their man, vies for her attentions and treats her in a romantic manner. 

In the basest sense, and forgive me to put it so bluntly, courtship is nothing but a ritualized strive to please in order to earn a reward, usually of a sexual or related nature. A man who is courting a woman is on his best behavior, is attentive to her needs and wants to see her happy. 

Remember, I'm not talking here about telling her what she wants to hear in order to get in her jeans. They can read through that. What they really enjoy is a man that values her so much that is willing to stop chasing after all other prey (that hunter metaphor again) and to devote his energy to her.

She may not really want it, but I think most women would enjoy the attentions and the effort of a devoted suitor.

4) [The woman] wants to delay [the male’s orgasm] as much as possible to enjoy the benefits

Mother knew best when she told her daughter not to put out on her first date. In these days of casual sexual encounters and relative promiscuity, the value of the orgasm has been greatly diminished, and so has the power women derived from its control. A man who can have an orgasm any time he wants does not feel the need to court women. 

A woman who learns how to delay a man’s gratification while keeping him wrapped by the flames of his desire for her, can enjoy a state of almost perpetual courtship, as it were, and the company of a man who will crave to please her.

That’s it.

There is so much more behind these simple phrases and their explanations, and I hope we’ll have the opportunity to discuss these in future posts.

Until next time.

The Simple Game of Orgasm Control

While there seems to be an infinite array of variants to what couples might do when they choose to engage in orgasm control, or chastity games, I feel that when you drill down to the basics, there is a common core element, which I have decided to call The One Rule. I think this is a good place to start this discussion, so we'll begin there. 

As its simplest, I believe The One Rule is the essence of Orgasm Control.

THE ONE RULE

The male wants to earn an orgasm and is willing to do as much as he can to please his woman in order to earn it. The woman wants the male to strive for his orgasm and wants to delay it as much as possible to enjoy the benefits.

That’s it.

Everything else is an accessory of this. Now, in order for this to work, both partners have to offer something to the other. These are the offerings which I feel need to be present for the game to work.

The man's gift

The man accepts that the woman has final say as to when and how he gets to enjoy an orgasm (if he does) and is willing to work hard and submit to anything she chooses to impose upon him to gain her favor. His work and his chastity are the man’s gift to the woman.

The woman's gift

The woman accepts and acknowledges the man’s service, taking control of the man’s orgasms, providing the man with opportunities to serve her, expecting to be served properly and providing stimulation or reminders as she considers appropriate to manage his desire. These three things are the woman’s gifts to the man.

I will talk more about this in the next post.